It was a simple instruction really, but it left me rather terrified in a very calm sort of way.
I was preparing for a performance at Fright Night – Open Mic for the Faint of Heart. This wasn’t any ordinary open mic though, this open mic was about pushing your edge and doing something you’ve always wanted to or been afraid of doing. The problem is that being an avid adventurer of living on my edge…my edge can be pretty difficult to find sometimes. So when I told Paula that I wanted to perform we had a difficult time finding something that would push appropriately.
I knew that for a performance it would need to be something related to dance as that was the area I wanted to explore. But as we discussed possibly options my answer was always “Sure, I can do that. That’s easy.” So ultimately her answer was “Fine, you’re the Wild Card.” The Wild Card is a special role for this event – the person filling this role has no idea what they are going to be asked to do until they stand up in front of the audience. Her only instruction to me was “Show up empty.”
Up until the day of the event I didn’t really think much of it. Showing up empty didn’t seem to require a lot of preparation on my part and was something I felt fairly comfortable doing. But as the evening approached I became slightly more nervous until ultimately, just before the performance I simply could NOT sit still!
As I strolled onto the floor for my performance I suddenly became aware of the fact that there were people, people I knew and was friends with, about to watch me do something that was very likely to push my edge. It was at this moment that it suddenly came back to me: “Oh right…my edge is really far away…YIKES!”
So when Paula gave me the instructions I knew I was in for a ride. My performance was to dance my dance and interact with the audience as their mirror. To do so they had a set of remote control type instructions they could give me. Play, pause, rewind, repeat and report. Play, pause and repeat are self-explanatory, rewind meant I needed to back track my dance as much as I could remember and report meant I was supposed to verbally share what I was experiencing. About half-way through the performance she added the opportunity to “Ask a provocative question” which meant the audience could ask whatever they wanted to in order to bring me to a deeper level of interaction or revelation. The whole point of this exercise was to stretch my own readiness and willingness to be vulnerable, show my inner self, allow others to see the reflection in themselves and bring us all deeper into the picture of life.
I realized I was stretching my edge when I couldn’t look up and see the audience. When I finally did, a friend paused me at exactly that moment revealing the inner struggle I was pushing through. By the end of the performance I had been asked questions like “How do you hide?” “What do you do when no one else is around?” “What would make this scarier?” “What do you yearn for?” “How else do you hide?” “What are you afraid of?” and “What do you really want?”
Some of those questions I didn’t have answers for in that moment and, in fact, I’m not even sure I’d have answers for them given more time to ponder. Being revealed in that open space taught me something though that I hadn’t anticipated.
The first was that there were a few instances where the report command was used or a question was asked that I actually pulled the answer back slightly from how far I know I could have gone. That was an excellent indicator that I’d found my edge. But the second was something much deeper and more profound.
I discovered a new understanding for the concept “show up empty.” We use that term a lot when it comes to meditation, learning, emotional engagements or surrender. Up until that moment I considered that to mean free of thought and free of attachment. In that performance though there wasn’t even any room for those to be true though – I couldn’t be “empty” and move my body in self-expression, answer those questions, and hold the mirror up for others to see themselves. In order to perform, respond, engage and push my edge I had to be fully present with all of who I was and ready to engage any part of it at a moments’ notice. That wasn’t what I’d previously understood to mean “show up empty.”
This time “show up empty” meant something more along the lines of allowing space for deeper growth and allowing room for something new to happen. “Show up empty” became not just a way of presenting myself, but a whole new way of being. As I’ve integrated the changes and impact of that performance piece a little over a week ago I’ve already noticed myself behaving differently with others.
Now, when I engage someone in an emotional space or approach some situation I allow for the possibility and reality that I do have needs, wants, desires, fears and other emotions, but not quite in the way I had before. In the past I’d engaged these realities as a cornerstone for how I might interact. I allowed these possibilities to be a landmark that determined which way I might be able to go in certain circumstances. What’s different now is that instead of using these as landmarks in my journey I use them to create new space for new possibility – including the possibility that they are more or less important than I previously thought them to be. Now, I approach these needs, wants, desire, fears and other emotions as a stepping stone into deeper revelation, deeper discovery, deeper vulnerability and deeper truth about myself, the other person, or the situation or experience.
Showing up empty means creating space for more to flow in, for more possibilities to exist, and to allow for the full reality of who I am and what I want. Showing up empty means making space for all of me to become even bigger and more powerful as a result of connecting and interacting and allowing the space for that incorporation.
I’ve said for years that I am at my most powerful when I am at my most vulnerable. Judging by the responses I received from the audience when I truly “showed up empty” I’d say that power extends far beyond what I’ll ever truly understand. It’s already changing my life, changing my relationships and changing my work.
Not bad for a simple performance with no preparation. Not bad at all!
